I think the emotional notes and story skeleton are promising (full circle, revenge without mercy) but you need to strengthen the emotional connection and make the characters feel more 3D.
"I DON'T WANT TO DIE! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Why are they saying this? What state of mind are they in?
"This is for everyone!"
Is this nobility ("necessary evil") or just base revenge?
"NO! THERE SHOULD BE ANOTHER WAY! LET ME LIVE! Please... just let me live!"
Why do they trail off like that near the end?
"I can't stop now."
What emotional tone is this supposed to have?
"You... killed my best friend?!"
What happened right before this? Make it come out more.
"Yes, I did, and I don't regret it. This is for everyone that wants the truth"
The first part of this feels sociopathic. Is that what you're going ofr?
"YOU DON'T GET IT! YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR BEST FRIEND DIED IN FRONT OF YOU?!"
The second part of this feels weird and doesn't make much of a point.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I never cared about anyone. I'm only here to complete my mission."
Oh I see you are going for cold. How can you make this more entertaining? If you watch
Altered Carbon season 1, Takeshi Kovacs (the anti-hero) has a moment like this but sells it well- "Don't take it personally but... I don't care about anyone." I think the sell and cadence here can be stronger.
"THAT'S IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU KILLED HER, THE PERSON I WAS PLANNING TO MARRY! YOU MADE ME WATCH HER DIE! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, BASTARD! THIS IS FOR HER!"
Whoa, made him watch her die? That's new. How did he just find out about her death then?
"If we have to fight, we will. I'm going to have fun dragging your bloody head over the road since that's all the fun I ever have."
That sounds super sociopathic. If this person relishes causing pain to others, this should peek out more beneath the whole cold exterior. Maybe like Adolphus Murtry in
Cibola Burn.
"DIE, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!
Could have a stronger end. This character feels very flat (just angry) and static. Flesh them out more.
All in all, I think there's a start here to an enjoyable story and kudos for persistence and progress.
For fun, here's how I would write the same story:
"No! Leave me alone! Go away! I want to live.... please. I want to live."
"I can't let you. Sorry, princess. Nothing personal."
"Wait! Wait! There's another way. Here, I can, I can ju-"
...
"Ow! Oh God. OH GOD. Please, please please just, you don't have to do- please, don't look at me like that, I'm a pers-"
"Okay, maybe a little personal. Little business, little pleasure."
(2 days later.)
"Hold on. You can't just drop that in the middle of conversation. Ronald, you killed Stella? That was you?"
"I did. I had to. It was for the good of the protectorate."
"Shut up! Spare me that protectorate garbage. She was my best- she saved my life, she did so much for us, and you just went and killed her like it's nothing?
"How could you do that to me? How did it feel, you cold-blooded death-dealer?"
"Didn't feel good, didn't feel bad. It felt like a job."
"Look at me, Ronald. You, you didn't care? Ronald, she was.... she was everything to me. You're telling me you could just take that away and not feel a thing?"
"I felt the satisfaction of doing my job. People needed the truth. They have it now."
"I WAS GOING TO MARRY HER. Whatever cause you fight for, it better be worth your life."
"If we're going to fight, we're going to fight.
...
And I lied. I'm going to feel great playing with your bloody head after. It's all the fun I get."
Edited 9/27/2021 06:07:29
